How to navigate the holidays & still stay true to yourself

For most people, the holidays are fun, festive and the most wonderful time of the year, but for others, the holiday season isn’t cheery and bright. Personally, the holidays have always been a bit different since becoming an adult.This holiday season has been filled with all the feels. I wouldn’t go as far to call myself a Grinch but I don’t find myself jumping for joy this year. I have an amazing family and irreplaceable friends, but I still can’t help feeling sad, anxious and lonely every now and then.As you know, I love sharing my IRL experiences to help others feel less alone, offer tips and tricks to ease the growing pains and, lastly, to create a community that supports one another though the wild life we live. After some reflections, plenty of off days and taking action to remain sane, I have sorted out what I feel, why I feel the feels and learned how to navigate the holidays while still staying true to myself.I love my mom and my sister. I literally do not know what I would do without them. I grew up in a large household and there was about ten of us at any given time. I haven't lived that “big family" life in over a decade now, but thats a story for another time. In short, our party of 12 quickly became a party of 3, and although I NEVER want to go back to that part of my life - the memories I have of the holidays while growing up don’t just go away and I am (surprisingly) sad to have lost some of my roots. Sometimes I feel like there is this weird societal expectation to have a house filled with happy relatives, who all come together to celebrate the holidays together. And If you don’t have that “picture perfect” set up, well apparently, that’s just sad. Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe your family has separated recently or you finally realized you don’t have to put up with bullshit just because it’s the holidays. Maybe you’ve lost your parents, or you live far from everyone who raised you. Or maybe, like me, you don’t celebrate with your extended relatives (maybe you aren’t as close, maybe you don't even know them). Whatever the reason may be for you causing you the Christmas Blues, having the picture perfect family isn’t what the holidays are all about — what is “picture perfect” anyways?!—  it’s about being able to be yourself, while still being loved, supported and welcomed by those around you. Regardless of knowing and believing that wise little sentence, you may still feel sad during the holidays, and that is 100% okay too.I am a recovering, people pleaser. Like it is SOOO HARD for me to say no and I would constantly make others feel comfortable, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have been working on this for quite some time now, and I have gotten a lot better at it, but during the holidays, I really reeeaaaalllly get to test out my “no” muscle and stay true to the boundaries I have set up. Over the years, I have realized how sacred my “YES” is and what the power of “NO” is. I also discovered that when you say “no” you are really saying “yes” to something else. I have done COUNTLESS things I wish I hadn’t - especially around the holidays, I have waited in a 5 hour Black Friday line, allowed others to decide who I spend the holidays with and, at times, put a big smile on, tell jokes and fake my happiness to make others feel comfortable. Don’t let this holiday season be overrun with others wants and needs due to fear or uncomfortability. That is a sure fire way to make the holiday festivities something you didn’t sign up for. Any other people pleasers out there with me?Single bells, single bells, single all the way…I’ve been single for THREE YEARS now and I don’t mind riding solo though the holidays, but every now and then I can’t help but feel a little lonely. Most of my friends are paired up or obsessed with their most recent flavor of the month. Here I am watching all these sappy movies, hearing others make cute plans, allllll the things “made for couples” — and that my friends, can feel polarizing. This is the first holiday season where I am reeaaaalllly feeling the feels. I find myself wondering what’s wrong with me and asking myself, why I feel so alone when I work so hard to be my own source of happiness (thank you CoDA meetings). At times where I would usually be content sleeping diagonally on my queen size bed, I get sad, wishing someone would be the big spoon once again. I think the real problem for me, is the fact that I feel like I shouldn’t feel lonely. That I should just be content. I mean, I chose this — so I should be happy…right? NOPE. NOT RIGHT. Actually, I think it’s all wrong. I think that so many of us put these weird, unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others to be jolly, full of cheer and fa la la la laughing our way through the holidays that we forget THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE. We are allowed to be sad, annoyed, anxious, lonely, mad, depressed, confused, numb, hurt or any other feeling. Of course I do not believe we should wallow in these feelings and let them run the show, but I think being honest and giving yourself grace during this time of year is the least we can do to make it a bit more bearable.SO HOW DO WE NAVIGATE?!? Great question. Now, I am no professional here, but heres a few things that I have been practicing ( some for years — others for just a few weeks now). All have somehow improved the way I show up, perceive and feel about this time of year.Feeling SAD about familial dysfunction, brokenness or toxicity:1. Find “family” who accepts you for YOU. note: they don’t have to be blood related to be your family. Lots of the people I call family are friends who show up like family is supposed to.2. Be honest with yourself and come to terms with REALITY. note: don’t subscribe to the “picture perfect” Normal Rockwell family set up, your family is always going to be annoying. If they are toxic, see that for what it is and decide from there.3. Living in the past does NO one any good. note: if your family has split up or you had traditions that are now lost, don’t try and hold on to what was , things are different now, time to live accordingly.4. Practice gratitude!! note: I like to start my days writing down 3 things I am grateful for… it helps me realize all the things I have to be thankful for, and once you start this, you’ll never want to stop, it’s a game changer I promise.5. Create a NEW tradition and take back that holiday cheer! note: change things up a bit and create something YOU want to bring into the holiday season each year. Is it making a certain recipe or watching a holiday movie? Maybe it’s looking at lights or taking a trip somewhere new! Whatever it is, do it! If you hate it, you’ll never have to do it again. hahah.Feeling ANXIOUS about pleasing everyone or saying no:1. Lay out some clear boundaries. note: Easier said than done, but to start, write down a list of things that you would say no to, if you “could”. Once you do that, create a phrase or two that politely tells the other person NO. It doesn’t need to be lengthy, it doesn’t need to have your reasoning behind it, you are allowed to simply pass on whatever the f you want to. The phrase can even be “No” because thats polite haha. It’s scary, but if I can do it, so can you.2. Be clear on what you WANT. note: setting boundaries is part knowing what you don’t want, half knowing what you DO. So get clear on things you will make room for.3. Maybe host a fun get together at your place (create some sort of controlled environment where you feel comfortable) instead of seeking out things to do elsewhere.4. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for your feelings. note: when I get anxious, I find myself apologizing for literally everything I do. Unless you hurt someone’s feelings or run over someone with your car, try removing the word "sorry” from your vocal for a while. See how it feels and if you survive, maybe keep it up for a little bit longer.5. Make a list of worst case scenarios about saying no. note: you’re going to have some wild ideas, so take a minute to sort through the scenarios that are realistic and cross out the ones that are so far removed from what would ever happen IRL.Feeling LONELY about being single during the holidays:Now this one can be tough, as I am still very much going though this one (for the first time ever). So I don’t have a crafted list of things I know work from repeated experience… but heres my two cents of advice. Now we can’t just make a QUALITY significant otters just appear, but you don’t have to just sit at home all day and night sulking about your singledom. My advice, be honest with your close friends and let them know you’re having a tough time. REAL friends will not judge or make fun of you, but will most likely carry some of the weight and hear you out as you share whats going on. I also suggest finding yourself some single friends. It’s nice to be around people who “get it”, where you can swap stories of dates gone wrong or talk about the perks of being single (cause we all know theres a good amount haha). Lastly ( for now), get out of your comfort zone and do things you usually wouldn't do - you never know what life has in store, and keeping busy with new experiences always helps.So there you have it — a few tips and tricks to help you navigate the holiday season, whether your dodging your wild family, feeling anxious and overwhelmed or wanting some holiday cuddles, hopefully these tips can help you navigate a bit and the realness of my feels, helps you feel a little less alone this season.Always sending you love and lightxoxoC