“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are.

It requires us to BE who we are.”

My story begins the moment my bio dad changed the locks & kicked me out of my childhood home. My parents were in another knock down, drag out fight and this time I wasn’t sticking around to listen to it. I took my younger sister to get a haircut and figured the drama would settle down in a few hours. LOL, was I wrong.

A few hours later, I received a message from both parents. One was telling me to stay out for a bit longer (things had only escalated) and other told me I needed to come home and choose sides, between parents. I decided to stay out, telling both parents that whatever was going on was not my business & I would not play a part in it. And that my friends, was my first crossroads. Little did I know that answer was taken as a decision and the life I had known for the past 18 years was over.

When I finally went back “home”, I realized the locks were changed. I lived in a duplex (next door to my grandparents) so I went over to see if anyone could let me inside. But not one person from my family was to be found. I started to panic. I called up a friend from high school and went over to their place. For the first time in my life, I opened up about what went on in between the four walls of my house. It was terrifying, liberating, and confusing all at once.

This one mini-story could take up this whole intro, so long story short - my mom sister and I left the emotionally abusive, toxic environment we had lived in for so long and started our “new life” together.

I started my “adult life” by enrolling in community college. I initially thought I wanted to be a lawyer but quickly realized that was not the path I wanted to walk down. 200+ college credits later, I graduated with a degree in communications from CSUSM. Wooh! During my time in school, I met someone who called me out on my b.s, loved me and fully accepted me. It was the first time I had truly felt any of those feelings, which made me blind to the red flags that popped up along the way.

A few days after I graduated, my boyfriend and I got in an argument about “how we never do anything together”. Five minutes later, roundtrip tickets to Thailand were booked and I had to figure out how to expedite a passport haha. I spent 8 days in Thailand, and it legit changed my whole life. Mind, I had NEVER left the country before and the furthest I’d been was NYC and before that, the Grand Canyon.

That experience forever changed me. I saw people who had NOTHING, (literally wearing rags and eating off the street) who were visibly content, happy and willing to give what they had to help others in need. I met people from all over the world and learned so much about various cultures and ways of life. I hiked through jungles, stayed with hill tribes, used a hole in the ground as a toilet, and got a tattoo in a monk’s house with a bamboo stick. I instantly fell in love with the nomadic lifestyle and was willing to do anything to keep it up.

When I got home, I decided to follow my heart and go against the (American) grain. I wanted to take a trip around the world, and nothing was going to stop me. Despite all the worrisome looks, words of advice and unsupportive comments, I worked my ass off to save as much money as I could. And in January 2016, I took off on the trip of a lifetime, with no return ticket home.

And that is when I started a blog :)

It started as a means to remain connected with my family. A way to share the adventure and bring everyone along for the ride. Little did I know it would transform into something so much more. 

I soon realized I loved to write. Any chance I could get, I would jot down thoughts, memorable moments and the intricacies of backpacking. I shared my mistakes, great wins and how to find a doctor in the middle of Berlin hahah. 

Life was f*cking awesome. I traveled to 19+ countries and was spending my last day in Madrid when the unthinkable happened. My travel partner needed to be medically evacuated and put on dialysis immediately. His kidney had failed and his life was on the line. The trip needed to end, the only choice was to return home. 

I pleaded with the doctors. There had to be a way. This dream of mine could not end like this. IT COULD NOT HAPPEN THIS WAY. I spent the next three weeks writing, crying and walking to the hospital from the hostel I was staying at. That was all I could do. I was devastated, terrified and overwhelmed. This life and dream I had built up was gone in just a few seconds. 

I returned home and sunk into a deep, dark depression. I bawled for hours. Food had no taste. The sun lost its warmth. Life had no joy. I didn’t care about much, wishing each day away faster and faster.  This became my norm for some time . To be honest, I have no idea what made me wake up one day realizing I didn’t have to live like this anymore. This was MY STORY and me being depressed, crying and playing the victim to the cards I was dealt with was 10000% not how this story was going to play out.. I looked up “therapists near me” and started down my path - a road to self-awareness. 

It took a few times going to therapy to find the one that “fit just right”. But when I found Clair, I knew this was my lady. She helped me in ways I didn’t know I needed. We explored my childhood trauma, every  insecurity I could think of, my baseline of anxiety, my depression, my fear of failure. We identified triggers. Discovered my codependency and with that, we dismantled all of the toxic relationships I had formed (and thought to be normal). 

And just like that, I ended my 6 year relationship, moved out of my house and began to write in the pages of this new chapter. I devoured self help books and podcasts. I lived by inspirational Pintrest quotes and researched terms my therapist and I discussed in my sessions. Things like complex PTSD, anxious attachment, codependency, narcissism and SSRI’s. I became obsessed with learning, With healing. I attended CODA meetings, reached out to mental health advocates and began to find my own voice within the community. I took a deep dive inward, and for the first time, in maybe forever, I wasn’t afraid to take a good look and SEE myself, really see myself for everything I was and acknowledge everything I could be.

I started life back up again, moved in with my best friends aka the Bad Ass Babe Cave and scored my first “9-5” position at a very cute and trendy, So-Cal start up. I was nervous AF. I had no “real-work” experience but a willingness to jump right in and learn. I met SO MANY incredible human beings during this time. My understanding of the creative industry grew everyday and for the first time in a while, I felt alive again. I was planning events, coordinating photoshoots, shipping and copywriting. I was completely running and operating this company and could see my hard work and effort pay off. I will forever be grateful for this experience and time in my life - because it showed me how capable I am. It helped me prove to myself that I was good, like really good, at what I was doing. I didn’t have to be concerned about what people thought/felt because at the end of every day, I knew I did my best and it was damn good! I worked there for a little over a year and decided it was time to go rogue and venture into the land of freelancing. Unexpected and incredible, this is how I have been supporting myself since August 2019.

Fast forward to right now, the spring of 2020. Here I am, sitting at my kitchen table, still figuring it out.

I definitely don’t have all the answers, but I am much closer to understanding my questions and day by day, I am growing into a better version of myself.

The world is currently experiencing a first for everyone. We are in a global pandemic. Fighting a war against so many injustices. Everyone and everything is at a standstill, yet in complete chaos - and I find myself at yet another crossroads. I am asking myself questions like…”what’s next?” and “where do you go from here?” I know I want to help others find their voice, own their story and step into their authentic self… BUT HOW? I want to travel. I want to inspire. But most of all, I want us all to be seen, heard, loved and supported. Where do I fit into all of this? I have no clue. But here we go, on yet another adventure. And I am beyond excited to take you all along for the ride. Here goes nothing…

Until next time <3 ,Chris