I’m Not Weighting Any Longer…My Self-Love story.
For as long as I can remember, I have been self-conscious of my body. I have been ashamed of my curves, I have noticed when the large doesn’t fit. I heard the laughs, felt the stares, and although I am by no means being cast in the next episode of “My 600lb life” , I am also by no means, tiny or petite. I was a cute little kid, raised in a middle class, safe, suburban neighborhood in North County San Diego. I played outside with my siblings and other neighborhood kids. I ate a fairly balanced diet and up until third grade, I was pretty unaware that there could be different “body types” ranging from ideal to gruesome. And apparently mine was “not ideal”. I was about 8 years old when my life as a “thick girl” began. I don’t remember the exact moment, but I do remember recognizing the difference and feeling the shame. ***Some say obesity comes from genetics and cultural influences. In my case, I believe I am German, Latina and Italian. who knows for sure, anyways… a few studies show that cultural influences, especially hispanic, can attribute to obesity. ***Other studies have stated that obese parents (breastmilk with mothers and sperm with fathers) can contribute to obesity in children. Obviously diet and exercise contribute a great deal as well. Regardless of the factors at play, this was the moment, where I became ashamed of the body I was in.
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Me in Kindergarten -
Me in 4th Grade
Being a little girl, with no body positive messages, I did what most women have done before me. Internalize my shame and alter my behavior to appease my self consciousness. I refused to wear a swimsuit without an extra large t-shirt over it. I wouldn’t wear shorts. I wore sweatshirts in summer and basically tried to swallow myself in clothes so no one noticed I was the F word… Fat. As I got older, I also got bigger. Even to this day, I look back at the photos and I’m like what?!!? That was really me? … YUP it is.
As someone once told me… “it makes you a better person.” HAHA. Is that how it works? I’m not so sure… but, I really did rely on my personality and sense of humor to make friends and maintain friendships, especially since I was no where close to the acceptable, normative body type. Which matters, especially in Jr. High. Anyways, the continuous spew of negative self talk and body shaming went on in my head until sometime last year. Again, I am not sure the exact moment this happened; there was no “Oh, wow, I really love myself now” moment. It just developed over time, and damn, does it feel good. But before I get ahead of myself, lets blast back to the past. Now I’m in high school. I “thinned out” but I was still not considered thin or fit. I ate pretty well. I was in competitive cheer, but no matter how hard I tried and how much I worked out, I never could get rid of my curviness. Nevertheless, I wore bikinis to the beach & pool parties, wore a revealing cheerleading uniform and wore short skirts for most of my high school years (I had to wear a uniform). I was numb to my insecurities and made sure that I always carried a sweatshirt with me, incase I felt like the need to cover up. I still felt insecure and compared myself to every single girl I came across, but it felt normal, so I went with it.
College came around and I started to come into myself a little more. I began traveling, held down a few jobs and got into a serious relationship. The more comfortable I got, the more “confident” I became. But it was a false sense of confidence, based of social security, not personal (you know, the one that matters).. I still would spew hateful comments about what I looked like, what I chose to wear and I refused to believe that anyone actually found me attractive, and even farther, beautiful. Me?! Beautiful? Get. Your. Eyes. Checked. As I got older, I began to really invest time getting to know myself. both the good and the ugly. That is when I noticed just how self conscious I really was. I lived in that space of consciousness for a while. It wasn’t comfortable. When I finally had enough, I made a promise to myself. I was going to break the cycle of shame I have lived in and begin unconditionally loving myself. A bold statement, I know. My 2018 New Year’s Resolution had three parts to it. First, I wanted to feel loved without needing the love from others. Second, to be alone, without being lonely. And last but not least, to see beauty without finding fault. I didn’t know it then, but that was the best promise I could have made to myself.
Those three sentences buzzed in the back of my head for all of last year. I made choices based off of that. I spoke differently based off of that. No one really knew, so that made it better. It was embarrassing to admit that I actually hated myself and would rather die than go to the beach with friends, in a swimsuit that I had worn 5 million times and still felt “ a little weird”. So stating it once or twice in public, and then being quiet about it, made it “safe” for me to work on in the background. For some reason, last year, I just kept putting myself in situations that would force me to choose between this old behavior I knew so well, and this new behavior I wanted to live by so so SOOOO bad. But I left my comfort zone every single time. It was uncomfortable... I mean, I went on DATES with people that I found attractive... to the BEACH... in a SWIMSUIT... and like ran around… I wore shorts again and “more revealing things” even though things “jiggled” or had showed the dreaded cellulite.
One day, it just happened. I chose my outfit based on feeling rather than "what looked better", I didn't second guess my swim suit choice and I didn't overthink how I walked, what plans I made and what people were "sure to be thinking"... for the first time in my life, I didn't care. AND IT FELT AMAZING. So why am I telling you this story? Why should YOU care about my self love journey? For starters, everyone can ALWAYS improve on their self-love, self- confidence and self-talk. We tend to forget these three "self's" are VITAL to a healthy and well rounded life. So do yourself a favor, this very second, and think about what YOU can improve on. What are you hard on yourself about? Do you engage in negative self talk? How about toxic habits? Are you being fair to yourself? If the answer is no to that last one, it is time to reflect and make some moves to change it up!!
Personally, I was NOTORIOUS for setting a goal weight as part of my NYR (new years resolutions) every single year . I would pick a number that "made sense" and from there it was all or nothing. I either did it, or I failed. The goal wasn't about health; it wasn't fueled by positive changes.. it was fueled by negative pressures, both internal and external. And that is not a healthy or sustainable change to try and make. Every single year, I would FAIL. I never met the 120lb goal I set for myself and every year I felt like the same loser I was the year before. Last year, I FINALLY realized... the end goal wasn't a number, it was a feeling. And that feeling was going to be felt ONLY when I could genuinely love myself for WHO I was, not how much the scale said.
In short, numbers on the scale don't make you love yourself.... which is the other reason why I am writing this, to bring awareness to the fact that it’s important to genuinely love yourself and be comfortable with who you ARE .
All in all, if anything, I hope this article was able to spark something for you. Wether it be a conversation , an action or a lifestyle change! I am by no means "healed" from negative self talk and I am not the guru of self love (although I would LOVE to be), but I am consistently working towards improving those three "self's" for as long as it is needed (probably life...). Of course , I am a strong believer in eating a healthy & balanced meals, exercising 3-4 times a week and being mindful of one's physical health. HOWEVER, I am also a mental health advocate, and believe SELF LOVE comes first; without self-love, you'll always feel like you're at square one.
Also, **BY NO MEANS am I saying the studies I shared state the absolute facts. I linked the articles so you can read more yourself if you care to… I am just sharing what I have been experienced and have been told growing up....***
Anyways...get out there and love yourself !!
xx
Chris