Where is my mind? : A mental health journey.

Before I get started I want to thank my therapist, Clair, and my incredibly resilient support system of friends and family. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here writing this today.There was a point in my life where I only had two feelings: numb or devastated. I allowed this to continue for months. I’m not sure what exactly brought me to my senses to talk to someone (not just anyone but an unbiased, licensed professional) but thank goddddd I did.For years, my mom told me I would benefit from therapy. Being raised in an emotionally and verbally abusive environment, there was lots of distorted layers of beliefs that needed to be explored and dismantled. I refused to even entertain the idea. Shrinks are for crazy people who don’t have control... but let me just tell you, that is SO FALSE. Everyone needs a therapist, life is hard and sometimes it’s nice to not have to put on a brave face and a fake smile. Therapy not only allows you to get in touch with your raw emotions but also allows you to actually learn WHY you feel these things, HOW to understand them and then, stop them.But my childhood wasn’t the catalyst for me going and sorting this out. It was the two traumas I had witnessed, where I watched people I loved the most almost die. It was also due to the fact that my biggest and brightest dream that had come true, had instantaneously been ripped away from me and I could not do anything about it.I went to therapy with an open mind and heart. I mean, that’s really the only beneficial way to go about it. I went in, met Clair and knew it was exactly where I needed to be.I believe the first few sessions (hour long sessions mind you) I just sat there and cried. She didn’t know anything about me, but she let me cry and cry and cry until I was ready to talk and open up.Opening up and being vulnerable hasn’t always been a strong suit of mine. Once I started sharing and opening up, I finally started to gain some insight.  I mean crying it out and feeling all the feels was necessary and felt great too, but what I really wanted was some answers, clarity and guidance. And I got it, once I started talking.Here’s a few realizations I’ve had since starting this journey...The first realization: it is okay to take medicine.   As I’ve said previously, I had two feelings numb or devastated. I didn’t know how to “bounce back” anymore. I just wanted to give up. I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to see any friends or family. And the scariest part, I didn’t know how to get myself out of this hole. When I explained this to Clair, she suggested I go on medication. I freaked out. I said absolutely NO WAY was I going to get on some “happy pill” that would lead to some sort of addiction and personality change. (Clearly I was not as insightful as I am now). She empathized with me, however, she also explained how medication could be a temporary “Band-Aid” while my mental health was recovering from the recent trauma I was exposed to.After some personal research and consideration, I decided to take the risk and the pills. I am still reluctant telling people to take medication, buuuuut, in my personal experience, the medication really did do wonders for my progression through my mental health journey. To sum things up: don’t be ashamed if you feel like you need medication for your mental health. Sometimes, it is temporary, until you can learn healthy ways to cope.. others it is needed on a day-to-day basis. But whatever it may be, medication was invented and created to help not hurt, remember that. Don’t be ashamed.Second realization: your diagnosis does not define you. The words, “you have anxiety” , “you appear to be suffering from CPTSD” and “ your behavior aligns with codependent ways of functioning” all came at different times, yet had the same exact effect. DEBILITATING. These words felt like a bullet train ramming directly through my being. This couldn’t be right. I wasn’t an anxious person. I wasn’t scared from my past, unable to move forward, I wasn’t like those people in the movies that had flashbacks that set me into a rage or depression... I was a strong, independent women. I felt like a fraud.  How could I be this strong woman when I was anxious, codependent and have PTSD?! We could not exist in the same being. Another silly misconception I had.The thing is... NO DIAGNOSIS OR  EXPERIENCE DEFINES WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON. In life we have a choice to allow things to hold us back and define us, or we can use these things to become insightful and empowered. When I was given my diagnosis, i cried, cursed my past and despised the experiences that brought me here. But after I allowed myself to feel, I started to become educated.I learned that I wasn’t alone.• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year.• Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment.Source: https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statisticsI learned WHYYY I thought what I thought, why I acted the way I did & why, still at the end of the day, I wasn’t happy. I went to CODA. I started writing and sharing about my experience. Through that, came insight on teaching others about codependency and how to get support. Codependency is a highly underrated issue many of us have. There is a lot of material out there about what it is, how it started and the signs you too could be codependent... but since the umbrella of codependency is so vast, I wrote a blog post to add to the mix and maybe help a person or two...? Here it is.Source : http://www.growwitheflow.com/2017/08/31/my-first-coda-meeting/I also learned that PTSD is not just for the war- torn military vets. It is for ANYONE, anyone who has been victimized, has witnessed a violent act, or who has been repeatedly exposed to life-threatening situations.▪ An estimated 70% of adults in the United States have experienced a traumatic event at least once in their lives and up to 20% of these people go on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.▪ About 1 out of 10 women will get PTSD at some time in their lives. Women are about twice as likely as men to develop PTSD.Source: https://www.sidran.org/resources/for-survivors-and-loved-ones/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-fact-sheet-2/ All in all, after a bunch of research and realizing that thousands of people live with the same disorders as I do, I didn’t feel so alone. And I definitely did not feel defined, just more understood.I’ve been seeing Clair now for over a year and the person who I was when i started this journey thanks the person I am today TREMENDOUSLY. Then transformation is astounding.  Now I could go on and on about my own journey, I mean I’m still very much in the thick of it. But I’m going to end this with a final realization I have come to acknowledge and begun to redefine.Final realization: Mental Health needs to be talked about... WAY MORE. For some reason mental health has been placed on the “taboo list” of things not to societally talk about. Pretending it is not a real issue and “sweeping it under the rug” is not helping anyone, rather it is having adverse affects. Staying silent about the musings in ones mind is not healthy. No matter how silly you think your thought or emotion may be... say it out loud and dismantle it.  Tell your friends, your family, a stranger.. tell someone!! Thankfully, our society has taken a turn for the best and has really revved up the talk on mental health and what we can do to support one another.Recently, I partnered up with a company called, Spark Conversations. This bracelet company is AMAZING! Here’s what they are about... “Spark Conversations is a movement dedicated to raising mental health awareness and breaking the stigma...It might seem like a simple action but imagine how much we could change if only we dared to speak up. We need to remind ourselves and others that it is okay to ask for help, and that most importantly, we are not alone.”With companies like these popping up, and our conscious community only growing, I have high hopes for our collective mental health.Feel like getting more in depth into my/your mental health journey? Message me, I’m alll about supporting others anyways I can. Whether that’s just someone to listen to you, or if you want to know more about my “conditions” — I am an open book.Sending love, light && strength,C