My first CoDA meeting

When my therapist told me I could benefit from attending CoDA meetings, I rolled my eyes and nodded. There's no way I was codependent. What did that even mean? I definitely did not need twelve steps and I am a strong, independent woman. She was obviously crazy.Time after time, the same issues came up & my therapist had about enough of me totally listening & then turning around, feeling great, not putting her advice into action.. and naturally spiraling back to square one every time.She told me straight up one day. Your codependent tendencies are ruining you. You act on patterns that are ingrained from your dysfunctional childhood days. This in turn, plays a huge part in how you deal with the current stressors in your life.  (If you know me right now, there's quite a few of them...that's for a different blog post, lol). Oh, And these fundamental tendencies, they also affect how you deal and feel in basically all relationships. So that self-made anxiety about work, or your friends, your love life or that scenario you made up in your head...that's partially from codependency as well. She was sick and tired of seeing me this way and so was I.The following week I found myself sitting in a CoDA meeting, surrounded by strangers, feeling more like myself than ever. These people were all feeling the same way I was. I couldn't believe it. The first meeting I went to, I literally sat there and took it all in. I didn't talk AT ALL. I was scared shitless hahah. But nevertheless, it felt right to be there.After a few weeks, I decided the trial CoDA run went well. And I was now "ready" to attend my first meeting. They say your first meeting is technically when you speak for your first time hahahah.  I found myself in Carlsbad one evening, admiring my new coin of empowerment and feeling supported by all the beautiful women surrounding me. I shared what I could, with tears rolling down my face. I was weightless and I thank those women for carrying my weight while I bared my soul.There was a moment in that meeting where I was asked to read for a part of the meeting. There were 14 sentences. Hah that's a random thing to remember right.. How would I know how many sentences there were?Well those 14 sentences struck a cord so deep in my soul I started crying as I was reading. Reality stung. Every single sentence I read, I identified with. And they aren't things I am proud of. In that moment, I realized my therapist was right, go figure. I could benefit from these classes. And so I made a commitment to myself to keep on going.Once a week. That's all I ask of myself. Just go once a week. There are meetings everyday, so there's no real excuse to miss.I also asked myself what I could do to foster healthy healing and a supportive environment?I knew the answers but I didn't want to deal with them. Part of my codependency is putting EVERYONE else's needs/feelings/judgements/etc... ahead of mine. Even if it goes against everything inside of me, people pleasing is a game I've gotten too good at.What I wanted to do was go back home, pretend everything was fine, put a smile on my face and just forget this ever happened.What I needed to do was end my five year relationship, move out of my house and focus on myself for once.So what did I do?More on that later...Much love xx,CPs. In the meantime, check out more about CoDA! There's not too much out there about codependency... YET. But, i intend to change that.