My Madrid Letters Pt. 2

DAYS 4  and 5

Four and five days without you...You'd think it would get easier as time went on. The normalcy and routine would set in, but nothing feels normal or routine about this.We've gotten good news! Your kidney is showing signs of life!!! It makes me elated to hear you have been blessed with this tiny miracle.I love seeing your spirits high and your smile. It brightens my day and takes away all my worries.The stress has gotten to everyone. The tensions are high I can feel it. The emotions are high, as are mine. I'm sweating from anxiety...I must smell great to people around me..People need a break from the chaos and the silence has started.It hurts. I feel alone. I'm reminded that I'm not, but why are my feelings the polar opposite?You're positive, happy go lucky, exhausted but loving and strong. It feels like we trade places as the foundation. Giving each other breaks and strength when it is obviously needed. I love you so much.I'm starting to walk around the city. Seeing what there's in store for us. You're urging me to go on our favorite walking tour, I hope I have the strength to do it all without you. I will do it to share one last adventure with you.I stand beside you and we and make new lists of destinations. For our next adventure of course. We try and plan our wedding, venues, people, colors...I'm so excited for our future and I know you are too.

DAYS  6, 7 and 8

The next three days without youThese past few days have been a blur. Hence why they are together. I don't sleep, rarely eat, just cry and fight. Be strong in your presence, but you know.We have had our ups and downs.They took you off the machine! Yay let's hope this works!!36 hours pass.It doesn't.We are hysterical. We had sights of home and an end to all this misery. We are catapulted into square 1.Lovely.As we take this roller coaster ride of emotions together.I am also on a few other rides.Congress has gotten involved. As has The senate. Lawyers. The news.You are loved, and we are all fighting for you.Insurance refuses you coverage. Refuses any help at all. As if we didn't have enough to worry about. Right?They give me hell. They lie to us all. I feel weak. I feel defeated. I try not to show you.The thing about you, which I love, is you always know what I'm feeling and most the time what's in my head. It's like a weird connection we have. I love it.But right now, can we turn this off? You need to feel better not worry about this.The bill must be paid. I'm harassed everyday. EVERY TIME I walk through those sliding glass doors, I'm ready to be attacked. It's painful living this way. I just want to see you.You're worth it.My "friends" here have now turned their backs, "we just need the money okay". Thats all they say. Nothing personal of course. But when I cry and beg for more time, I'm denied and am looked down upon like I've done nothing at all to help this situation.This isn't about me I know. But I need to share this this with someone. It's usually you, but right now you're not here. So this will have to do.Back home our families and friends are frantic with worry. Trying to help from a far. It's hard for us all, just remember soon, there will be hundreds of people flowing to your bedside.This last night (of day 8) I came late. I lay my head in your chest and just wish myself there all night. More kisses and tears. Until I have to go.I get yelled at once more before heading home. "You need to pay", "you need to pay", "you need to pay", "you need to pay".... It goes on an on; like I don't understand or something. I get it, I do.What I don't get, is in a situation like this, why does someone have to pay to save a life with their own life? why harass the only support there is. Why break them down to the point where they can't walk home. Does that make you feel better? Does it help at all? We are good for the money. You have your paper to prove it. I'm kept for 2 hours until I can go home. A migraine kicks in, I'm weak and alone. I fall asleep with tears, that's all I know now.Goodnight my sweet love. I hope you've been sleeping. I think home is right around the corner.

DAY 9

Nine days without you.This morning I felt compassion.The front desk man at the hostel is my comforter. I fill him in everyday. He has his fingers crossed.I walked down the street to pump up full of caffeine. I missed the free breakfast today. Damn it. They ran out of my favorite tea, matte. I told them it's not problem it's the least of my worries. They asked what my biggest worry was. Loaded question. I dropped the bomb that is our life and a coffee on the house was in my hands within seconds. The staff stopped what they were doing to help me any way they could.Compassion like this is rare to find. Genuine compassion. They had nothing to gain. Literally nothing. But they stopped gave me a hug, a free coffee, did some research and told me to be strong. If this isn't a sign to still believe in humanity, I don't know what is.I found compassion this morning at Toma Cafe Warriors in Madrid. They will always have my support as they gave me more than most in my time of need.Maybe we should just call his day the compassion day? Idk, you tell me after I tell you about today.So I got the hospital, terrified of harassment, so I snuck upstairs to go see you.They finally came...my stomach dropped and my anxiety rose. What I expected was berating what I got was polar opposite. Protection. He explained that I needed to breathe. I needed a break and it was clear. I guess I look weak and worn. Damn.I cried on your chest as he told me he would lay off today. You cried on my head because you felt bad for my tears. I didn't want you to see that.We cried, we talked, we laughed and we hugged. We were with one another and that's all that mattered.I finally left. We just had to wait. Working in two time zones is rough. Not for the weak. But lucky for us, my mom had time off. We had a solider on the other side, with her eyes on the prize: we were getting home.I had time to chill. What a luxury. I had a minute to think about other things. Just not hospital stuff for one second. I can't wait for that day for you. I wish I could break you outta there.Anyways, the time came, it was game on. Today is super important.The files and records were sent with haste. Our team is kickass. People coming in on their day off to get you home. You are loved. Even by strangers.The insurance gave us the run around once more....we are waiting and waiting and waiting. Im sure I'll wake up with a response... I hope. If not, dear lord help them...I secured work when I get back. I know you'd say I'm nuts. But I can't stop my dreams and that's how I get to point A to point B. You know me, I can't stop dreaming. I think you like me because of that...I've heard you say it once or twice.I'm lying in bed, in my eight bed dorm, and all I think of is you. I see an empty bed and know it's for you. You are meant to be here with me on this adventure. It's not the end, just a pause.I miss you. I love you. See you tomorrow <3OH BEFORE I FORGET... Can you believe our traveler friend found you today?!? TALK ABOUT A GENUINE PERSON. That's love right there. Oh Sash, we love you. You made our day, forsure our  month.From the coffee shop, protection and surprise visit today, my faith in humanity has been restored. Has yours?Apparently faith in humanity needs to be restored a lot... We HAVE to remember that these people exist and everyone has it in them to be like them.Like we always say, can't appreciate the good without the bad.And even if we got no where, id say it was a good day? Do you?

  And this is where my letters end... We spent three more days in Madrid until we were medically evacuated back home. As I shared in (part 1) the pervious post, these letters served as my anchor.. They grounded me. Reminded me that I was not alone. They gave my feelings a voice. It has taken me over a year to share these with you all... but with a open heart and hopes that it can help others somehow, here they are <3