My Madrid Letters Pt. 1

It was only two weeks...Two weeks. But It felt like two years.I spent most my time walking back and forth from hostel to hospital. I probably did that route at least ten times a day. I knew the locals and they knew me.During those walks I realized I needed to ground myself. I needed to keep myself sane and I had no clue how... my mind was wandering to places I dare not bring back into the light. It was a very dark and lonely time.I started writing.I wrote to Camden. I mean, he was the only constant I had for 6 months. And the only person I knew in the country. He was my fiancé and my everyday confidant. So who better to talk to than the person I usually would?It didn't matter that he heard it. I needed to get it out. I needed to share what was happening to me. To him. To us.Fast forward tho this very moment, It's been a year now. We are home.I have decided to share the letters with you all. I think I am brave enough.I hope that this post, will somehow, in any way, help those who may be dealing with trauma or any scale of life shifting.These letters kept me sane. And maybe they can keep you sane too.Know you're not alone. Know that you have support. You are loved. You are safe. And right where you need to be.I feel like I had to explain what these letters are to me, so you're not like wait what is this... so if you don't know by now...well,It's my lemonade from my life lemons..DAY 1:

A day without you.Today we had a bad day. Okay, let's say one of our worst. We are scared, we feel helpless but we are not alone. We have each other, first and foremost. Then we are blessed with our amazing family and friends. We have the support of the world behind us, so why do we feel so weak?These feelings we Feel are normal. That's what everyone tells us. But yes, of course they are. Some crazy shit just went down. And we are so allowed to feel crazy during this ordeal.You're terrified, my heart brakes, our souls are wounded. But we are strong. Let's not give up, okay?Can we survive this? Of course we can! We are Christina and Cam! We can conquer anything, so why not this?! It may feel like everything is ruined, but don't we always believe life works out? Yes, yes we do. LIFE ALWAYS WORKS OUT! There are big plans for you and I; this is just a hiccup in our crazy life!!Can you believe just one week ago, you got down on one knee and asked to marry me!  How beautiful is life? I can't wait to share so many more memories with you. Marriage, little kids, our puppies, growing old, seeing the world! We have so much in front of us.Please don't give up.Today, I've gone most the day without you. We checked you in, you had to get fixed up, they let me see you, but, you were sleeping. I came again and you were awake! We spent two hours together and I've never cherished anything more.Today, My heart is broken. I feel empty. Without you, I am not whole. I see French bull dogs and pugs and can not help but cry. I miss you.  I can survive and I'm not helpless but life isn't the same without you right here with me.Tonight you cried when I left your bedside. Even thought you know you'll never really be alone with me alive. We have each other and I will move mountains to make sure you can move them with me .Today sucked. Tomorrow is a new day. I am hopeful. And you should be too.I love you more than life itself. Stay strong my baby, you can do this.

DAY 2

Two days without youWas today easier? No. Not at all.I slept in your shirt. I wore you jacket. It made me feel close to you.I know our nights were filled with worries for the other. No sleep was had for either one of us.I woke up in a panic. No news is good news right? I couldn't calm down. After emails, phone calls and the to dos of an overseas emergency the stream of tears emerged. The hostel workers and fellow travelers patted my back and listened to my feelings. Concern and sadness washed over their faces.I ran to the hospital. That should shake some nerves. Pit stop, notebooks, colored pens, Spanish word search, comics and soccer magazine. I hope you like them.I burst into the international office, along with a bucket of tears. They said you were fine and we all cried. You are loved even by strangers.They called me up to see you. Even thought it was against protocol. You've been asking about me for hours. I was finally there. Three hours before visiting hours. I'm sorry you were waiting.I spoke with a doctor. He's optimistic, that's good. There's a specialist coming so we can figure this out! I hope for the best, and wait.I walked around the courtyard. The roses smell amazing. They make me smile. I walked from market to market. I can't eat. But I look if maybe something will break the spell.I'm not hungry, but I bought Takis. They remind me of you. We were so excited three days ago when we saw them for the first time since we left home. I tried a new flavor. Since that's our thing. You would have loved them. Spicy cheese flavor. They were okay, but they weren't as good without you.It may seem strange to be upset over chips. But that's how much you're a part of me. It's only been you and me for the past five months. I see you in everything i do. I look around for you when it's time to pay, you're always holding the wallet. I'm constantly saying, "hey look!!!..oh wait.."I have more ideas for the hostel, while I'm waiting. I'll share them with you when I see you soon.Waiting game is killer. I'm not a huge fan off this game. But who is? I just think about you. How are you feeling? Does it still hurt? Are you scared? You must be. I'll be there soon I promise. Please feel my vibes and prayers, I'm sending them with every breath.I spoke to your friends and our parents as well. People are helping from all corners of the world. We are blessed.We spoke to the specialist and we knew most of that. They will check up on your heart soon, I hope they can see what I see. ALL the love you have in there. The pure and genuine love you bless me with everyday.We spent time together, more special each passing day. I can feel our tight bond growing stronger and stronger. I cut up your chicken and fed you your soup, I love I can help you each small way I can.You seem stronger today. Your spirits. Your face. I know you don't believe me, but you're mighty handsome, I'd say.I held your hand while you slept and you twitched, you were sleeping at last, but I didn't mind. I just watched you, took you in. Really looked at you, you know?They finally told me to leave. We did well today. No tears were shed when I went away.I just walked past a pug on the way back to the hostel. I pet it. You would have. I miss you, get better.

DAY 3

Three days without youYou'll be so happy to hear I had nine hours of sleep last night. I got really sad. But found strength somehow.I also ate our To go food from our last night together. It was super good. I know I would have eaten it all anyways. You hate leftovers.I'm sure I seem certifiably insane now. People are noticing me on the streets I walk everyday. They say good morning and smile, they don't know my story, but their kindness helps us both.Some friends have sent us money. I know how much that means to you, I'll tell you soon enough. Right now is not the time.The emails keep flooding in. You are loved baby. So loved.I'm wearing your boxers and beanie today. I can't help but wear your clothes. They help me feel like I'm both of us, just waking down the street hand in hand. Talking about God knows what, planning our future and excited about what's to come. That will be us again, very soon.I'm at the hospital early again. I hope you can feel that I'm here.I saw you! They got me in early. There were tears. There's always more tears in the morning. You shared your fears with me. I tried to reassure you, I hope I did a bit.I rubbed your head, fed you breakfast and put my head against your heart. Just hearing your heart beat makes mine flutter. You have such a big heart, give some love to yourself.I know you're upset. You have every right to be. I was with you until they kicked me out.The nurse said I should get out and get fresh air. I listened to her. I'm walking around, back to the hostel, where else. You know I'd get lost without you around hahah. I don't have much time until visiting hours I won't risk exploration right now, maybe later.I came back and was taken up right away! The doctors had good news, you are slowly getting better!!! We had to break the news, we were coming home a bit early. But that's okay, we have our whole lives, to explore, to love, to do whatever! We just need you to be healthy.You were upset, of course you were. It's a sad realization. But I shared more love from family and friends and you seemed to be okay again. We kissed, you smiled we spent our time soaking in the support.It was that time for me to leave. I had things to take care of as well. Insurances and updates are just as important as well.I left your phone I hope you feel connected, I'll be back soon with your game boy . Maybe you can feel more normal with that.I'm taking care of things, you just be strong. I love you, see you soon.They let us spend four hours together. we both needed that times we did word searches, I taught you sudoku and we talked about our friends and family. For a moment, things felt normal. We both needed that.I fed you dinner, you hated it again. I can't blame you, hospital food sucks.I tucked you in, you were falling asleep it was time for me to go. You had your phone, games and love. You seemed finally at peace for a minute, I hope longer. We said goodbyes, kissed many times and I walked my path once more.My night was like any other, spent talking to everyone under the sun. Some had tears others had hope but we all agreed you are LOVED.I got a message from you in the night, my heart skipped a beat. I forgot you had your phone and we could be together finally.Being without feels so weird, I couldn't live this way forever. You're my favorite human being.My eyes feel heavy and I'm thinking of you. I know we will be together soon. My mornings are always rushed to get back to your side.Let's see what news tomorrow brings. I'mHopeful.