Radiating Resilience
So A LOT has shifted in my life after the first CoDA meeting I attended...After reading my first post on this topic (I could be overthinking, what's new).. I felt like I gave the impression that I needed to end my super long relationship like immediately after attending the meeting. Definitely not the case hahaah.After my reeeal FIRST meeting, I cried, I was numb, I didn't know how to feel but knew exactly how I felt. I went to bed to sleep on all the feels that were spiraling out of control.Over the next few days, I tried to put into practice some of the recovery actions we went over in the meeting. It wasn't working. This quote kept following me around, "if a flower doesn't grow, change its environment, not the flower.THAT. WAS. IT.I needed to change my environment to better practice these new techniques that would help save the "flower", my relationships, and my mental wellbeing. I felt sick. This wasn't going to be easy...I woke up hysterical. It had felt like my heart and my mind were in an intuitive battle ALL NIGHT LONG. I woke up and blurted out, "I need to move out. I just need to take some space so I can learn who I am, what I like, and how to be a better person to myself and others."Well... Didn't go over too well. The relationship ended a few days later after many tears and unspoken words.(( I mean there's obviously way more too it. But for now, and for the sake and privacy of my S/O this is as far as I get into it for now. ))My insides were tangled up. It felt like I was hit by a bus. My heart was broken. My head was scrolling through years of amazing memories, my mental monster was whispering, " you'll never find love like this again." But I weirdly still felt.... okay.like how weird is that?!?!? I feel all those horrible things like heartbreak and a foggy mind but at the end of it all, I feel a bit dizzy with this infinite freedom and I'm OKAY. Like I'm surviving and I'm totally okay. I'm not great. But I'm not horrible, so "okay" will do for now. Lol.Anyways, more than enough time went by of me constantly second guessing myself, engaging in negative and co-dependent behavior and playing the "what if" game, I decided I NEEDED to get back to a CoDA meeting. The second guessing would only lead to a "behavioral relapse" if I continued to carry on this way.I went, as per my personal promise of one meeting a week. I was joined by my friend Alex. Yay friends! This week I went to a meeting in Oceanside, still trying to find my "home" group. This week's meeting was "on" avoidance and denial. BOOM. I knew I needed to go this week. Ha.We went through the introductions, this week's step and read the week's provided reading materials. Then came sharing time. The most bittersweet part.On one hand, I LOVED it. I got to get all my emotions out in a safe space where women who related with me could support me. In this space, we could help heal each other.On the other hand, I was like a sugar-fed toddler being told it's nap time. Screaming, kicking, crying and literally doing ANYTHING I could to avoid it. It's hard sharing these emotions and feelings and thoughts. Especially when you don't want them to be real.But nevertheless, I shared what I needed to share. And through the tears and shaky hands, I felt an immense sense of clarity as I spoke. Things made sense. And I saw all the women around me look at me with understanding eyes. They had been here too. And they had pushed through. Broken their pattern. Beat down the cycle. They were resilient. And I was on my way to meet them.
It's hard to explain what it feels like to be in a room surrounded by, and supported by, women. Like true, GENUINE support. There's a real love that's in the air and it's so heartwarming.I was raised in a feminine household and was surrounded by women but for some strange reason I've struggled with trusting them. Whether it was being ostracized for being "overweight" or "not cool". Or having a narcissist grandmother who "ruled the family". Having an abusive father that ruined any parental trust. I didn't trust women. Especially ones that held any sort of power or confidence in themselves. not to mention, I was also systematically taught to compete and judge women rather than be supported and held by them. I was learning the truth now. And it was overwhelming.I left feeling supported, clear headed and sure of myself. And my decisions. I knew that my patterns would show up again, as they naturally would, but it was important I recognized them as patterned behaviors and let them go. All I needed to do was continue with the meetings, continue with the self love, continue with putting myself first...HA. Putting myself first? Well, I'll try. Here goes nothing ...