Graduate School Entrance Essay- 2021

There has been one question that has been echoing in the back of my mind since the moment I decided to go back to school. “Why do you want to be a therapist?”. I just made a pretty serious financial (let alone life) decision and although I was pretty sure in my direction for the future, but I couldn’t help but allow some doubt to creep in. Who did I think I was to join the ranks of those who had help guide me back to myself? Did I really know what I was getting into? Was I experienced enough for this? Thankfully, my graduate school entrance essay allowed me to collect my thoughts, feelings and experiences in one place to share all the things that led me to this decision….

Written for Masters in Counseling program in California 2021

“When reflecting on my motives for becoming a Marriage and Family therapist, there is one reason that always comes to mind first. I want to help people the way I was helped so many years ago when I first started therapy. When I think back to my life before therapy, I see someone who had limited self-awareness, low self-confidence and no real understanding of how the world worked. I just know I wanted to help people, make my family happy and comply with what I was told. Looking back, I am infinitely grateful for having the courage to seek guidance and advice and for the therapist I found. Without doing so, I am not sure I would be the person I am today.

Growing up, I did not think I was going to become a therapist. I actually wanted to be the District Attorney of San Diego, putting away the “bad guys”. I admired their courage, the way they were able to clearly speak their mind and not be concerned with the consequences of doing so. The awe with which I viewed attorneys probably stemmed from being the child of a narcissistic father. Speaking my mind seemed unrealistic, and at times, dangerous. I was unaware of the toxic environment I was growing up in. I believed everyone’s house must operate the same as mine, behind closed doors of course. It wasn’t until a month after graduating high school did I begin to realize just how unhealthy my childhood was. My parents got into an argument, as many parents do, but this one was different. My father asked me to choose sides, and decide which parent was “right”. After explaining that choice was none of my business, he believed that my decision was clear. Later that night, when I tried to return to my childhood household, the locks on the doors were changed and the life I had grown accustomed to changed as well.

Starting this “new life”, as I like to call it, consisted of my mother, sister and me finding refuge at a family friend’s home while trying to create an independent, stable and supportive environment for us all. Unbeknownst to me, my mother had been seeking professional help with a therapist in regards to leaving my father. Many of them encouraged her to leave her marriage, but warned that there would be trauma, and potential danger involved. Unfortunately, one of the biggest traumas that we all endured was experiencing the ambiguous loss of my autistic brother, someone I was quite close to in childhood. The relationship was lost due to parental alienation and has, to this date, not been able to be salvaged. My sister and I also lost our relationships with our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on my father’s side. It was quite an upheaval, but with the support from close family and friends, paired with my mother’s resiliency, I understood this new start was for the better.

From there, the three of us (my mother, sister) began a very different lifestyle, a happy and healthy one. Of course we had our moments, but for the first time, we all felt safe and supported. But that did not mean we had fully healed from our experiences. Personally, I became extremely codependent. I was unaware of what boundaries were, I had a very low self- esteem and lived to please others. I became anxious and obsessive over others’ perceptions of me; I knew I needed help, but refused in fear of looking weak. Instead, I turned to alcohol, determined to hide my pain and further my codependent tendencies. It wasn’t until I met a charming young man, at the age of nineteen, that helped me realize the harmful lifestyle I was living. For the first time, I felt loved and supported by someone outside of my family. In hindsight, that could be why I refused to notice the warning signs when they presented themselves to me.

I found myself in a very serious, six year relationship. Once I realized that substances were not the way to cope, I focused all my time and energy on getting through college and focusing on the future. I was involved in school programs, joined the honor society and finally felt like I was thriving into who I was supposed to be. I had a solid group of friends, a partner who loved me and was headed in the direction of “success”. After graduating college, I decided to travel anywhere and everywhere. My travels took me to Southeast Asia, South America, Europe and many other destinations where I was able to develop an unique understanding of various cultures and ways of life. This experience was so life-changing to me that I decided to quit my job and backpack around the world with my partner. Unfortunately, six months into our journey, my partner suffered kidney failure and our bright future and exciting lifestyle had come to an extreme and sudden halt. Throughout the trip I began to document my travels through social media, in hopes to inspire others to go after their dreams. However, once things came to an end, I felt like a complete failure and fraud. I came home and fell into the darkest depression of my life. I never truly understood the depths and darkness of depression until I experienced it firsthand, and feeling absolutely nothing was terrifying. After months of living in despair, I decided it was time to get professional help.

I walked into my therapist’s office not even knowing where to start. I believe I just cried for the first three sessions, allowing myself to finally feel my pent up emotions in a safe space. It wasn’t easy at first, to share my deepest and darkest thoughts with someone else, especially when I was conditioned to do the exact opposite as a child. I went twice a week for about seven months and each time, sharing my thoughts and feelings got easier. I was able to climb out of my depression with consistent talk therapy and chemical assistance from an SSRI. Once I was able to cope with my day to day life, my therapist suggested I delve into more rooted issues I had faced as a child, in turn helping me understand my anxieties, insecurities and perceptions. Months more into therapy, I had come to realize, I was in an extremely toxic and emotionally abusive relationship that nearly mirrored what I saw growing up. I was devastated and disappointed in myself; I found myself wondering how I could let this happen, asking myself why I failed to notice the signs. I began to do research on my own and was fascinated by my findings. I began looking for even more support and resources as time went on, attending CoDA meetings, as well as hosting my own very informal, safe spaces for women to gather and share their feelings. I ached for a compassionate community that understood my struggle. I desperately did not want to feel alone and wanted others to know they were not alone as well. A few more months down the road, I gathered the courage to leave my partner of six years. It was another uprooting, but one I knew needed to be done. Once I left, I felt a sense of empowerment that I had never experienced before. I knew I wanted to help others, but did not know in what capacity. I revisited my experience with social media and believed that would be a great place for me to start helping others, or at least to inspire them to become the author of their own stories. I decided to share my journey through life, including both ups and downs, to create awareness about topics such as mental health, body acceptance and codependency. I began to create structured safe spaces for both men and women to express their feelings and experience the power of vulnerability. I encouraged others to try professional therapy, CoDA and to do research of their own, sharing how personally doing so saved and changed my life.

Fast forward to 2020, where the pulse of society has slowed down. The hustle and bustle of everyday life has been put on pause, allowing deeper reflections and meaningful answers to arise. As I mentioned earlier, I always knew I wanted to help people, but recently it felt like something was missing, it felt like there was something more I could be doing. Then one day I realized, becoming a licensed Marriage and Family therapist was my answer. Because of the relationships I have with my father, mother, siblings and significant others, I know my passion to become a therapist stem from a genuine desire to help others. My unique perspective and personality, paired with my experiences will assist me in being able to empathically understand others whom are also experiencing hard times. By developing a deep understanding of various mental health topics and learning the norms and principles of public mental health work, I believe that, as a Marriage and Family therapist, I will have the knowledge, skills and tools to genuinely help more people live a happy, healthy and fulfilled life.”

ps. I got in and am now taking courses to obtain my license! wooh :)