DATING 101: when you have ZER0 clue what you are doing.

I am going to start off by saying I’m NO EXPERT. I am actually such a noob to dating it makes me laugh to think I am writing this haha. So please don’t come to this post thinking I am going to help you score your dream guy, cause I am still trying to figure that sh*t out myself… I am here to bring you up close, personal and behind the scenes of my dating experience..Let’s start out by giving you the DL about me. I’ve been “dating” since I was about fourteen. I was in my first “serious relationship” when I was in high school. That lasted two years. Then I had those random, here and there “boyfriends”— more like flings, or long- term mutual crushes..until I was nineteen. Then I met someone and we were together for about six years. Here I am now, twenty-six, about to be twenty-seven, single AF, with no clue how to date at all. I haven’t dated since like 2011. HAH WUUUT. So ladies if you’re out there being like, I have zero clue what to, i’m scared, or i can’t do this..., girl, you are NOT ALONE. and you so got this!I can confidently say that the dating scene has drastically changed from the early to mid 2000’s to now (2018). Back in the day, all it took was the courage to call their house phone and score a date to the movies over the weekend. BUT NOW… now it’s all about swiping, having cute photos and looking like you have it all together, when we all know that no one has it all together.I felt a pang of anxiety when I realized my newest app, Bumble finished downloading. GAHH. Was i really going to do this? I uploaded five, most favorite pictures of myself, typed out a straightforward bio and started swiping. I feel like a weirdo typing this, but it was kinda exhilarating. It was fun! I thought to myself, “HAH, and you were scared of getting back into this dating scene. This is a piece of cake”Left, Right, Right, Right, Left, Left, Left, Left, Right, OH MY GOD I HAVE A MATCH.Fuck. I have a match, Now I have to say hi…

SAYING HI 

Apparently there are two ways of saying hello. There’s the traditional, “hello, how are ya?” or the witty pickup line / compliment. Personally, I am sassy AF and have noticed I tend to enjoy a sassy one liner before I go for a classic “hey”. When I started Bumble, I promised myself I would just have fun. I wouldn’t beat myself up if no one ever matched me and I would be honest with myself every step along the way.

Me: Hiiii :) I’m new to this…so humor me.T: Hey! haha. It’s all good. We have all been there. How’s your day been?

OH MY GOD. I SAID HI AND I DID NOT EXPLODE AND, YES, I AM AWAKE. Once I realized that every person who is out in the dating world wants to actually meet and talk to other people... initiating conversations became easier and easier. I went through people’s bios and decided to have fun with it. I got creative with some and serious with others.

—> Keeping the conversation going <—

So after I said “Hey” (or some variation of that ) to about ten different people, conversations started to flow. Some would fade after a few hours, some lasted a few days. For me, the thing with online dating is that you have to be consistent. As in, you have to keep the conversation alive or you’re gonna loose it. In today’s society, there is SO MUCH going on. Especially on our phones. You can’t be asking the same things like, “how was your day?” and “what’s up” before things get old. so how do we overcome this? be interested. ASK QUESTIONS. Get to know each other. Talk about society, or things you believe in, idk, whatever you want! just don’t expect the other person to always initiate the conversation or take direction of the next topic.. Just my little piece of unasked for advice.

THE DATE

I was actually asked out on a date. Yup. I am just as shocked as you are. hahaha. Conversations were going well and after some time getting to know each other online, this happened.

A: So what are you up to this weekend? Wanna grab dinner, or some drinks?Me: (after three minutes of freaking out) Yeah! Sounds great, where should we go?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What am I supposed to wear? What do I order? How far do we go? SO MANY THINGSSS.Instead of freaking out and spiraling out of control like I did, let’s just tackle all these one at a time…First things first, what to wear. Every person struggles with this. When it comes to dressing for a date, I believe, the main thing to focus on is BEING COMFORTABLE. Literally everything else about the night is going to be awkward and uncomfortable, so you might as well take control of your personal comfortability. You also want to be confident in what you’re wearing. So obviously, you’ll be comfy in sweats and a t-shirt, BUT will you be confident? Will you be walking into that date thinking, “damn, i look good”…probably not if you’re rolling up like you just got out of bed. SO with those two things in mind, pick out some clothes, round up your friends and start getting dressed, cause giiiiirl, you goin' out!!Next, you’re at the date. The drinks come and the waiter is ready to take your order. You scan the menu over and over and over trying to decide what is the “best option”. You don’t want to look like your ravenous, but you’re also not going to sit there and just drink water…WHAT TO DO.  Before I was in the scene, I was intrigued with all things dating. I distinctly remember one day, after my thousand question round about the current dating scene, my friend sat me down and went through what foods to eat and what foods to avoid on a date.The conversation went like this…

No’s: Pasta, Salad, Burgers, Sushi, Soup,Yes’s: Pizza, Tacos… well, just anything that doesn’t require a lot of work to dismantle, isn’t messy and can be eaten slowly so you don’t inhale all your food in one sitting.

I kept this list near and dear to my heart. It was the first thing that came to mind when I was asked out. I’m not kidding. I was like, “ oh my god, what if he picks a place that has only “no” food?!?! “ HAHAHA. looking back now, I’m so silly. So here we are, at my first date in a while…. he took me to a taco place, THANK GODDDDDDD. Approved food! Once I ordered and looked around, I came to realize that EVERYONE inside was hungry and didn’t care what everyone else was ordering. Just like it would be in normal, everyday life… whaaaaat?! #mindblown. So from that day forward, I told myself, F the food rule, I am eating whatever I want. A man who can’t handle my appetite and choice of food, can’t handle me. SO THERE. So dinner is has now ended. Time for the goodbye...There’s three ways things can go down.

First, you part ways, say goodbye and the end.Second, you continue the date elsewhere, maybe get some drinks or a movie, ending with a kiss or two, and the end.Third, you go home together…and who knows?

In my opinion, ANY of these options are 100% golden. Or a mixture of two of those, or hey, make up your own good bye. As long as you had a great time, the man/woman you went on the date with was respectful and you’re sexually comfortable I say DO YOU BOO BOO. Some girls LOVE casual sex after dates, others just will not do it, and i respect both options, as should YOU. If you wanna have sex with someone, do it. (As long as you don’t feel pressured to, have consent and feel safe). If you want to deny a kiss after a lovely date, YOU HAVE ALL THE RIGHT TO. The days of knowing how far is “too far” are long gone. Now its up to you and YOU ONLY to decide what is best for you and your partner. But mostly you. haha.Now that we’ve got all those basics out of the way. Time to get to the nitty gritty you’ve been waiting for, getting even more personal. You know all those dating horror stories we cringe at? Let me share a few of mine, just so you REEAAALLLY know you’re not alone.One time I went on a date with this guy, let’s call him A. So A and I had been talking for a few weeks and decided it was time to finally meet up. The plan: he was going to pick me up at 5pm and we were going to go out for dinner. I was pretty excited. It was one of the first dates I had been on since becoming single and he was suuuper cute. Four o’clock rolls around, I text A and hear nothing back. 5pm, still nothing. 6pm… A:” Hey, sorry i’m so late, I’ll be there soon.” 7pm…A: ”On my way.” 8pm, Me: uhhh.. hello?”. FINALLY 9pm, the date begins. That should have been my sign right there, but whatever. We go to Chipotle (because thats basically the only place that’s open at this point) and have a somewhat decent conversation. He dropped me off at my house  and we parted ways. Over the next few days I reached out to A here and there and would receive nothing in return. Then one day I realized, “ohhhh my god, I  have been ghosted. OH HELLLL NAW." But yes, yes I was. I messaged him saying, "boy… YOU WILL NOT GHOST ME". but he did. and I have yet to hear from A again.There was this other guy, we can call T, who I was seeing for about a month or so. We had fun together and would see each other allllllll the time. He would come over to my house, hang out with my friends and we would love to cuddle and watch Netflix together after long days. I was still in the pretty casual mindset, as was he, and I didn’t expect any serious commitment out of T, but I did expect a certain level of respect and common courtesy. After some serious consideration, I decided to invite T to the Christmas party my roommates and I were throwing. I told him, if he couldn’t come that was okay, but I wanted to know for sure  so I could know to expect him or not. He assured me over 20 times (get off my back, I have anxiety) so it was pretty set that he was coming. I told a few friends, “hey, that guy I’ve been talking about is coming over!! but don’t say anything….” I was nervous. Well guess what… that shit head stood me up. I texted him a few times before I realized what was going on. WE finally communicated at 11:30pm when he told me, “sorry, I was tired”. Dude, the party started at 5, get real. BOY BYE.HAHA, now this one guy, who doesn’t even deserve a letter for his name, was upset that I denied a date. I mean, we didn’t vibe that well. We had talked on and off, and it just wasn’t going anywhere. He asked to go out and I kindly denied saying I had previous obligations. Instead of accepting it like a normal person, he responded with, “well, I didn’t even want to meet you anyways. You’re ugly. Makes sense why you are on here. I mean… seriously, you just wasted a lot of my time”. Yeah…..that felt good. ugh, not. Even though I know it was all vindictive and false, it was still rough AF to hear. It bounced off a few of my anxieties and insecurities. Thankfully, I began dating when I was personally ready to. I was (somewhat) confident in myself and I knew exactly what I would and would not put up with.. and this kind of behavior was blacklisted. On to to the next onePhewwwwww. So after a few not so glamorous dates. I started meeting some real awesome dudes! So hey, there is still hope. BUT, it leads me to a topic I need to make sure i talk about because it is so so soon important. HOW TO NOT GET YOURSELF DOWN. because being in the dating world, I now know it is very, verryyyyyy easy to do.Putting yourself out there and being emotionally vulnerable takes a lot of courage. I am sure we all know what being hurt feels like, and most of us will do everything in our power to avoid feeling that pain again. HOWEVER, if you are going to be in the dating scene, you need to be 100% sure of something— you need to know that you are more than enough. That no person can declare your value. && last but not least, you are worthy of the love you seek.  Understanding your personal value, is fundamental for how “not to get yourself down” while dating. Now I am not saying it is easy to do, or you need to be a master of self-love before you date…but I am saying that it is important to remember that there are going to be jerks out there and people that you aren’t meant to be with. There are going to be some people that stay in your life for a brief moment and some that may make that lasting impression. Regardless of who you meet and what ends up happening, you always need to keep in mind that you are valuable and worthy of the love you seek. If you do anything at all, remember those two things and you’ll be fundamentally prepared for “not getting yourself down”.**** disclaimer: like I said, i am no expert… I still get down on myself with things don’t work out, but hey, don’t let one bad experience taint love for you…*****Well… that’s the end of this behind the scenes dating experience tour…for now. It has been about seven months that I have been out and about in the world of dating & it has been quite an experience. And I am so excited I get to share a little bit of if with you all.  thank you very much for humoring me && getting up close and personal with present day dating. Now get out there and DATE LIKE A BOSSSS.